LET THE RESOLUTIONS FLY (and hopefully not nosedive into oblivion)

How can I formulate my resolutions into something that will actually stick around in my Christmas-goodie infested brain? Make resolutions that I CAN stick with. Here's my first three to start the year off with a BANG.

RESOLUTION #1: Only have gravy or other fattening sauce on "special" occasions. (and no, just because SA-TUR-DAY has three syllables does NOT make it a special occasion)

RESOLUTION #2: Absolutely no eating past 12:00 midnight or before

1:00 a.m.

RESOLUTION #3: Remember it's Portion Control not Poison Control. That's where I must have gone wrong last year . . .

Try, try, try.

BUTCHER, BAKER, CANDLESTICK MAKER

When my daughters were little, they thought I was AMAZING. I explained to them that before I was a mommy I worked at the State Capitol. In kid-understanding I was who? Yep, the GOVERNOR! Then, I worked for a law firm downtown for several years. Once again, I was what? Yep, a LAWYER! Then, I obtained the best job (second to mommying) in the world working for INCREDIBLE doctors. You know where I'm going with this one. Yep, I'm an official M.D. according to my young daughters. Well, I broke the news to them that no, I wasn't the governor, only a worker bee who worked for other worker bees; and no, I wasn't a lawyer, I only worked for foul-mouthed, cranky attorneys on the night shift so my daughters didn't have to go to daycare; and no, I am not an OB/GYN doctor, although give me a list of symptoms and I can diagnose "icky" things sometimes pretty darn accurately! Bless my children's hearts for thinking their mother was all that and more. But while thinking about these high expectations, mommying kind of includes all of these titles. Mommies govern the household until dad gets home; mommies definitely argue cases and beg for a recess; and no one does more M.D.ing than a mommy. So yes, I can say I've governed, lawyered and doctored along with the best of them. Who says we can't be everything???? (at least our kids can think we can . . .)
Sincerely,
Laurie Boogert, M.D., Esq., Governor ad Domus

WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED????!!!

So on October 31, 2009 my Tarzan lost his job. Now, up until this point, I'd say our 26 year marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 was probably a 3 to 4. Not great communication, not much working together, we'd be nice but probably could have been a lot nicer to one another. Crankiness was often among the mix of said relationship. Well, a month passed and guess what happened? TRANSFORMATION. UTTER TRANSFORMATION. Now, I can tell you, it would be nice for him to find a job. But the miraculous thing is we've decided we actually like each other again! I don't know whether it was the stress component of his work or what but it's been a truly amazing thing to see! My kids can't believe the change and the whole relationship thing is working beautifully! I wouldn't wish a lost job on anyone in this economy, but if there was ever a blessing to come out of a something like this, yay for this hardship's reward! Hopefully the new year will bring a job but keep Tarzan's transformation. I want to shout from the roof top that this Jane loves her Tarzan!

DEAR SANTA:

So Molly (my 16 year old) gave me her Christmas list. The older they get, the less fun the list gets! No barbie to buy, no GOTTA HAVE IT toy. It made me remember my GOTTA HAVE IT toys! One of my favorite was my Chrissy doll (for me) and Kay got Velvet. The only stress that I had back then was waiting for Christmas Eve to come and waiting to see Rudolph's nose light up in the sky (yep, in Wyoming his schnoz can be seen in the dark of night). Now, the stress is finding something my kids want that they'll actually be excited for (it's just not the same once they pass that certain stage). I can get a smile and a thanks but no hysterical YAYYYYY. I've even gotten to the point where we go to the mall, they pick out what they want and I tell them to forget this evening of shopping, wrap up the presents and that's what's for Christmas. I've tried picking out the girls' clothes and they are always returned once I finally find the receipt. One year my darlings were laughing hysterically at what I picked out. I went to Victoria's Secret and asked the sales girl who was eighteen to tell me which PJs she thought my girls would like (ages 14, 18, 22). She picked out the coolest PJs (i thought) which were not inexpensive and I purchased these cool PJs. Well, Christmas Eve arrived and I was so excited for them to open up their pajamas. They opened up their gift, looked at each other, looked at me and broke out into hysteria. They'd never seen anything so hideous in their life, or so they said. Hence, I gathered up ALL of the Victoria Secret Reject PJs, took them back to said store, and will never pick out another item of clothing for ANY OF THEM. I thought I had good taste . . . obviously it's just in my mouth.

I GIVE THANKS . . .

I love Thanksgiving. No, not just for the fabulous banquet meal my mother prepares (although that is a big plus), but also for giving me a reason to reflect on all I'm thankful for. So here goes. Snooze if you'd like, I just wanted to get it down for journaling purposes for when my Alzheimer's is diagnosed.

I'm thankful for many things this year. I'm thankful for my new grandson, Nixon, and for the amazing blessing of being a grandma. I'm thankful for Heidi and for what a great mom she is. Nixon is one lucky little fella to have her! I'm grateful for my son-in-law Peter for being such a wonderful husband and fabulous dad. Nixon gets so excited when he walks through the door at the end of the day! I'm thankful for Jill and for the smiles and laughter that she brings into our home. She'll do anything for anyone and has a heart of gold. I'm thankful for my Molly and the way she is so thoughtful and kind and doesn't mind (too terribly much) being seen with her stalking mother. I'm thankful to Kevin for providing so well for our family. He worries tirelessly and I want him to know he's done a FABULOUS job at taking care of us. I'm thankful for my posse (Baxter, Scooter and Marley) even though I can't even go to the bathroom without them on my heels. I'm thankful for wonderful sisters, Kay and Elaine, who are my best friends in the world. We tease relentlessly and laugh until we wet our pants (which is getting more frequent the older we get!). I'm thankful for the best parents in the world who taught me how to serve and how to love. I'm thankful for such amazing friends who are always there for me. LDS forever! (Laurie*Denise*Shirley) And to one of my best friends, Lana, I will miss you terribly even though you're only moving twenty miles away! You've always been the shoulder I could cry on and I love you like a sister! I'm thankful for my calling in Special Needs and for all of my Special Needs girls and both Karens who have become good friends. So basically, my life is bounteously full and rich of blessings that you can't put a price tag on. I could go on and on with people who have blessed my life but the list would be endless. So, with a grateful heart I welcome Thanksgiving Day 2009.

GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AT 46?

Okay, there is a utube video that is SO GROSS. It's like an accident that you drive by and HAVE to look at. Well, this video (about four minutes long) keeps playing over in my mind when not otherwise occupied (which happens quite a bit). If you search utube for "world's biggest zit" it's a video of a girl pinching a zit on the back of some guy. Okay, it's the sickest thing you've ever seen. You totally have to see it. You'll want to vomit but it's worth the upset stomach. So, I showed Heidi the video (she loves to get zits, so she TOTALLY loved it.) Well, the next morning, I woke up with two zits. Teen-age type zits. Puberty-causing zits. I couldn't believe it. So, I'm going to try the "singing something in my head" game instead viewing the zit popping episode in my mind. I can't let this happen at age 46. Too many other things go by the way side in middle age. Acne CANNOT be an issue. So, view the video because it is truly something to see. But then watch something else that will overkill this in your mind. Like an episode of The Office. Even an annoying song that you can't get out of your head. Anything so you won't wake up with a high school face and be paranoid that when anyone looks at you they are ONLY looking at your zit.

BTW, if I don't mention anything about my wanna-be-thiness, it means it wasn't a good week and my grade, well, let's just say I sluffed the whole damn week.

The Circle of My Life

Just when I feel like I'm getting on top of doing things right, trying to stay motivated, just begining to do things a tiny bit better, what comes along? Something or some things to sabotage it. It's in the form of a holiday, birthday, season, reason, etc. Yep, I did start doing well. Then BAM. Trauma, stress, sadness, more stress and, last but not least, HALLOWEEN. I love Halloween Day but it is full of temptation! Preparing the fam's favorite food for this has all of the makings of failure (in the diet world, i mean). Success in the kitchen equals failure on the diet front in my world. Homemade buttermilk scones. Can't pass that up. At least my friend Shirley did bring veggies to offset the ridiculously high caloric content of said scones. Bless her heart for trying. "Trying" being the operative word.

Well, November is here. Well, I'll try, try, try once again. At least until Thanksgiving. Then I'll start it all over again. It's the circle of my life. A circle divided into little pie shaped pieces. Of course, it's pie.

MENTAL PICTURES - KEEP THE GOOD ONES

This week was a very emotionally draining week. Heidi's brother-in-law, Robison, was killed while longboarding on Thursday afternoon. While sitting in the hospital waiting room cuddling Nixon while Heidi and Peter were in with Robi, I had lots of time to sit and think. Now, I'll tell you one of my talents. My simpleton mind can actually re-play funny sitcoms. Yep, I've seen them that often. I reflected on an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond". The one where Marie stands up at Robert and Amy's wedding and says that she is afraid he is making a mistake by getting married. At the reception, Ray is making a toast to the still dumbfounded couple and says that they should remember this day by "editing". Remember the good things and edit out the bad things. I think that is good advice. I think remembering all of the good things we have in our life and not dwelling on the negative is the best thing for me to do. It even applies to my dogs. It's easy to get mad when they've had an accident (okay, not an accident but a canine conscious decision to pee or poop) but they're my posse and are with me more than anyone else in the world. It's easy to just dwell on being ticked off or hurt or offended. My sister, Ruthie says "you can't offend me; I have a teenager". I like that and it does ring true for me as well. So, in my quest for happiness I will dwell on the good, not the bad. So, this week's grade on my wannabethin is a C. Went to the gym three times and that's what I'll dwell on. Not the fast food chain that my car just naturally drives to. If there's a smart car, it's my camry. It knows what I'm craving, dammit. It's like it reads my mind. This week, I'll try to change my thought pattern so it will take me to the gym a little more and McDonald's a little less.

MY EXERCISE BUDDIES!

Well, I finally showed up TWICE in two days to where my check finds its way each month. Yep, I went to the gym. Couldn't have made it through the grueling thirty minutes without my good friends encouraging me on my way. I forget how energized they make me feel! So, thanks to Justin, Christina, Gwen, Jesse and Fergie. You made my work out possible! So far this week's grade is looking pretty good.

THE MALL = MY PERSONAL HELL

I went to the mall with Molly to find the finishing touches on her homecoming outfit. I dashed into a few of the "not-for-thin-folk" stores. You know the ones I'm talking about. You want to slink in and slink out unnoticed. Transfer your purchase to another bag. Rip the tags off (size tags as well) and not think about it until the next time you need something new. I scanned the merchandise, groaned and left with only the feeling of defeat. Argh! And those mirrors in the stores? Can I say, I think they put an additional 20 pounds on me. They're not very flattering. I swear, when I wake up in the morning and put on my make up, I don't look the same as I do when I'm in a store and looking in a mirror. I swear, my face does not look that big at home. I swear, you could land a plane on it. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit but only a bit.



So, last week was another failure. Two in a row. We're done with the "F"s. Yep, this week will be a good one. This will be the start of an "A" week. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. I've had enough humiliation. Blogging about failure is not fun. I want to be able to blog about SUCCESS!!!!

MY LOVE AFFAIR

Yep, I said it. Love affair. It's out there. I've been having a love affair on and off for the last twenty-something years. How could it go on so long knowing the evil side of this sin? Well, simply put, my lover's name is BUTTER. It's the secret key ingredient of every to-die-for sauce. If there's a wonderful cookie out there, it's always made with the B-word. I do occasionally cheat on said butter with "I can't believe it's not butter" but I always go back because I KNOW IT'S NOT BUTTER. It brings me joy and then down to utter despair when apprehensively setting foot on the scale. BUTTER and his best friend, CHEESE, always know how to get to me. They know my weaknesses and prey on said weaknesses. So I started a new diet on October 1st. Well, by October 2nd, my lover had me once again. In many forms. In homemade caramel apples, on top of a delicious waffle, spread on a hot roll. I feel like such a butter whore. I'm checking to see if there are any BUTTER ANONYMOUS groups out there because I don't think I'm the only one.

As for my diet, well, obviously with my fling (from above), it set me back, kind of way back. No more caramel apples until Halloween Day. (for tradition's sake). It's never good to start a diet on the start of a long weekend (UEA, or whatever it's called now). Who am I kidding. It's never good to start a diet on any day of the week, but hopefully this week I'll have more good days than a string of bad ones. So, diet grade for this week: D-.

THINGS I KNOW . . .

They say if you want to write a book (or a blog, in my case) write about what you KNOW. Hmm, this is what I know. I KNOW every point for every food in the Weight Watcher program. I KNOW how disgusting prepared diet foods can be. I KNOW that chocolate donuts will increase the size of M.A. (my backside said politely). I KNOW IT ALL. Unfortunately, M.A. doesn't reflect said knowledge of these things I KNOW. I've read The Zone, I've read Dr. Phil and no, Dr. Phil, IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. I know Phen/Fen worked, unfortunately it doesn't work for the FDA. I've been bribed with new wardrobes and trips. What will it take? I wasn't sexually molested as a child or teen. There wasn't any dysfunction in my growing up years. I just like fattening food! Sorry, plain yogurt does not taste like sour cream and fat free cheese does not melt like regular cheese. I've done the "searching my soul" for the reasons why I choose the foods I do. Mmmm, I come up empty (or full, as the case may be) on that one.

October 1st is going to be my new START date. That's the day when I will begin to do things I don't necessarily like to do, i.e., go to the gym where that check is written out to each month and eat healthier. You know, the favorite dieter saying make it a "lifestyle change". I hate that term but I'm not going to HATE. I'm going to EMBRACE. Now, if I succeed in my first 24 hours, I'm going to blog about it. If I fail, I'll also blog. I'll look like a weakling, but hey, I'm trying to get back to that number that's on my driver's license. It's been about 20 years since it's been accurate, but hey, if the DMV didn't question it, who are we to?

So my blog will contain my successes, my failures. Here's my list of abbreviations so I don't have to write them all out:

CALS - CALORIES (duh)
H20 - WATER INTAKE (double duh)
M.A. - MY ASS (sorry mom, I mean my back side)
EXR - EXERCISE
F.L. - FOOD LOG

My goal date is April 15, 2010. I always dread that day, as does everyone who has to pay to live in the land of the free. I'm shooting for 75 pounds (in six and a half months) but any loss will be my success. Hopefully, it will be a positive journey. I have to remember to EMBRACE and NOT HATE. (i should make that my mantra).

Here I go . . .

WANNA BE WHY???

My life has been a conglomeration of WANNA BEs.

EXAMPLE:

I WANNA BE OLDER

I WANNA BE YOUNGER

I WANNA BE SHORTER

I WANNA BE COOL

I WANNA BE BLONDE

I WANNA BE THIN

I WANNA BE MARRIED

I WANNA BE A MOMMY

and so it goes. Well, I did get older. Never got younger. Being taller than the jocks in junior high AND high school is definitely not cool. Tried to be blonde, too expensive of upkeep on the roots. Only been thin for about ten minutes (Phen-Fen). I did get married and got my Mommy Badge (the best WANNA-BE there is).

So now i'm in that mid-life phase of life and I still feel like a kid. I still can't figure out how to wear mascara so I don't look like a five year old applied it. Lipstick looks silly on me. Oh well, maybe after another forty-something years I'll have figured out the art of make-up application.

Until that time, I WANNA BE a good mommy, a good nana, a good wife, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good friend. Mastering make-up application and the wish for futuristic Phen/Fen will hopefully not be too far away.

So, my pursuit of wanna-bes will continue.